Boyfriend Application

The idea behind this blog was to talk about my history in relationships – and sex – and, to some extent, how that has shaped my present. Through the process, I have learned a lot. About myself, about the men with whom I have associated, about the relationships themselves.

I was in the kitchen, cooking dinner, the last couple of days and a thought kept coming to me: Tonight, for dinner, we are having blah, with blank, and yadda, and it’s amazing and who wouldn’t want to date me when I can cook like this? It was facetious, but I decided to have a little fun with it. So, I’m detouring around the memoirs for today to offer you a skit. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Boyfriend, a play in two acts. (Disclaimer: I don’t do script writing so this is more of a “pre-adaptation” format.)

Act One, Scene One – The advertisement

Wanted: One boyfriend. Opportunities for advancement include full partnership.

Job requirements: Must be able to think both “on your feet” and “outside the box” in multiple situations including, but not limited to, dates and emotional support. Must be able to adjust to fluctuating periods of spontaneity and stagnation (preferably by providing spontaneity). Must be prepared for anything. No college degree is required but the job does require periods of extreme intellectual exertion; candidate must be able to articulate thoughts and arguments clearly, must be able to engage in discussion topics ranging from politics to extraterrestrial life.

Compensation and benefits: Company provides chosen candidates with emotional support without judgement, good food (both home-cooked and on dates), great sex, and the potential for unexpected adventure each and every time you leave the house.

Act One, Scene Two – Company background

An eager job candidate takes time to research the company to which they are applying for employment. As such, please accept this comprehensive bio as your first step toward learning more about our company.

Founded in 1980, we have had three decades to perfect our business model. Understanding that there is always room for improvement, we are continuously advancing and learning more about how to make our company better. We learn from our employees and hope that we are able to help them learn in exchange.

As a company, we have, admittedly, had periods of hardship and inactivity. In the early-2000s, we were the subject of an attempted and aggressive hostile corporate takeover. However, we endured and remained an independent entity. Through the late-2000s and through the present, business has been slow but that inactivity has only given us time to work on our product offerings and business model so that we can offer our next candidate for employment the best experience possible.

I hope that this has helped you understand more about the company to which you are applying and possibly inspired questions, should you be invited to interview with us.

Act Two, Scene One – The application

[Writer has omitted standard, identification-based questions in the interest of keeping things interesting]

Job-specific questionnaire

Describe your skills in the kitchen. Can you cook? Do you enjoy cooking? What do you like to cook? Do you have a specialty? If you have answered no to any or all of these questions, are you willing to learn?

What was the last book you read? When did you read it? Did you enjoy it? What did you enjoy (or not enjoy) about it? Would you recommend it to a friend? Why or why not?

Describe your first day working with our company (answer is not legally binding; only exemplary). How would you spend the day? What would you do to make that first day memorable?

Imagine your first year with the company. How would expect your anniversary to be recognized?

What is your relationship to your previous companies? Would they recommend you for employment? If not, why not? Are you in negotiations with any of them to be re-hired? If offered a position with a previous company, would you leave our company to pursue such offer?

What is your availability for travel with the company? Travel may include anything from local, day trips (2-3 hour drive) to cross country weekend trips and may be planned at a moment’s notice. Travel may also include meetings with branch companies that have a vested interest in the well-being of our company. Are you willing to plan some of these trips?

Describe your skills in the bedroom (“bedroom” is a blanket term the company uses to describe any and all physically amorous situations – may not be limited to the room in the home where the bed is stored). Please keep answers honest. Unlike your description of your first day on the job, answers to this question may be legally binding and you may be called on to demonstrate the skills you list here.

Act Two, Scene Two – The Interview

Based on your answers to the questions on the job application, the company has elected to give you the opportunity to present yourself in a face to face interview. The purpose of this interview is to determine your suitability for employment with this company. However, unlike a standard interview, where a representative from the company asks you awkward questions for which you have no real answer, we are offering you an opportunity to ask us questions.

Please understand that there are no right answers, no right questions and what you believe to be a “good” answer may be the exact wrong thing, and vice versa.

Is there anything, at all, that you would like to know about the company?

Also, unlike many other standard interview situations, it is acceptable and encouraged to turn our own questions back to us. Are there any questions from the application process that you would like the company to answer?

Now, to our questions for you:

If offered this position, how soon would you be available to start?

Depending on how you have elected to spend your first day on the job, there will likely be some expenses involved. Who do you expect to cover those expenses?

How do you expect future job-related expenses to be covered?

How much time do you expect to invest in this job? Are you interested in career-advancement, should the opportunity arise?

Do you have other interests outside of the company?

Are you considering offers from any other companies? Please note that your employment with our company is not contingent on offers from other companies. However, if you are considering other offers, you will be given a probationary period in which to make your decision (the length of which will be determined on a case-by-case basis by the management) and during that period, you will likely be working in a “modified duty” capacity.

Curtain call

The company would like to thank you for your interest. We will be contacting you soon, regarding potential positions with our company.

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